The Heart of the Matter

Today’s lesson in ACIM focuses on forgiveness being the key to happiness. There are a few people in my life that I have trouble forgiving in the truest sense (letting go of the hurt you think they cause you and allowing that hurt to be transformed by a higher power) but not many. Like most people, my biggest block is forgiving myself – for anything – for everything. The visualization exercise of holding the person in light and seeing the light transform them makes me cry when I put myself in that light. And just like the little kid that spites himself to hurt his mother, I chastise myself for not being able to forgive myself. That’s weird? Right? To know what your block is, yet running into that block over and over and over and then again and again and then over and over until you’re much closer to 50 years old than you ever imagined you’d be. What is it going to take to FEEL my own forgiveness – not to just give it lip service?

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve been at this since I was in middle-school.

I hear my parents say to me when I was young how dramatic I am. How I need to put things into perspective. How my hormones are affecting my moods. I hear my teachers yammer-on on report card after report card that I’m not living up to my potential. I hear my exes and their passive-aggressive comments about my tenacity. I hear my mother’s true love for me and my sense of humor. I hear my sister’s true love for me and my soft heart. I hear my father’s true love for me and my use of language. I hear my husband’s true love for me and my inherent Goodness. And I just refuse to reconcile these thoughts.

What is my deal? Honestly. Get on with it, woman.

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