Hate on Me

“Stop judging me!!!!”

I read and/or hear this a lot lately. On blogs and social media and on television talk shows and grabbing coffee with an associate. We are all pretty tired of being judged. I’m tired of it. I get judged all the time. By my family. By my friends. By my non-friends. By the guy tailgating me for going 25 mph in a 25 mph zone. By the woman who sees my kid whine for an Icee and my giving in. By the people who drive by my house and notice that the lawn has not been mowed in what looks like months.

Yes. It’s hard to be judged. And it’s nearly impossible to not take it personally. It is about you after all. This year, as I mentioned in an earlier entry though has been the hardest of my life. I’ve been judged more harshly than I think I deserve. And I think I have the right and obligation to defend myself against these unjust judgements.

But in the late night hours, when I’m awake with worry over who will not like me tomorrow, I have realized that the unfair judgements that cause me the most distress and that I focus on the most – well, they ring true.

I’m not saying they ARE true – I’m saying I am worried that they are true. That I am actually, a little bit, what I am being judged for. It is something that I am taking on because it is something I would like to examine about myself. Otherwise – the hurt wouldn’t be there. If it was a ridiculously untrue judgement – like say, someone judging me for being a horrible President of the United States – I would be all “Okay. I’ve never been President of the United States*.” And the judgement wouldn’t hurt. Not to mention that person obviously doesn’t know me and what my life is like. If it does ring the tiniest bit true though (and that’s speaking subjectively – again, it’s not necessarily, absolutely true) it does hurt. I will do myself a favor to meditate on it a little bit.

Nine times out of ten, I have found that I am at the center of it – there – judging myself. That’s why I dwell on it. Because I am the one doing it.  And that’s when I try to go through all the reasons why I decided to act a certain way and I either accept that I did my best or (in theory) forgive myself for not doing what the Universe was probably asking of me. I work a lot on forgiving myself – turns out, I am my most critical and uncharitable judge. However, I always promise myself to learn from it. And slowly – I transform and put to rest the pain and embarrassment and disappointment in being judged by others.

Ideally, I get to be at peace with whatever I was being judged for. I’m still working on some recent things that I feel others don’t quite understand – but know once I get over my ego being hurt, I need to understand my own ‘whys.’ And knowing my own moral compass – I bet I’ll be okay with them.

As evolved as we might get on the subject of being judged, however, that doesn’t mean we can’t at least be a little kinder to one another. I’ve found that the less I judge others, the less I judge myself.

And more importantly, we have no idea why that mother gave her whiney kid an Icee.

(*I would make a pretty amazing President of the United States)

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